As the weeks roll in and me and my little lady become one day closer to meeting each other, I have started to experience a mix of emotions; Nervousness & excitement, a little self doubt, a little sadness that life is about to change a little for Joseph, but also a very much different set of emotions/worry that I haven’t experienced before. I have spoken in lengths before about being raised without my Mum around (to be honest I bore myself talking about it at times, part its a huge part of my journey and who I am) , and unless it is something you have experienced yourself, it really is hard to comprehend what that feels like and the long term effect it can many different forms.
That said, I know now since speaking to many people that there are so many of you that do have your Mum around, however your relationship is a strained one -so I think this is something that you too could relate to.
(With all the above mentioned, I know many people that have sadly lost their Mum’s and that is something that I couldn’t even begin to imagine.. and a completely different situation to mine entirely that couldn’t even be compared.. my heart truly goes out to anyone that has experienced/experiencing that loss x)
When I found out that we were having a girl I cried.
I cried, and I couldn’t stop crying. I felt as though I was in a dream. The thing is, I just didn’t think it was in my cards to have the relationship that I have always yearned and longed for. I always imagined me to have 3 sons which would have been amazing in a different way of course but I would have longed for a daughter and insisited I became god mum to all my friends little girls😉 Although I had a feeling that I was having a girl (nub theory) it still came as a MASSIVE shock when we found out. In that moment, I just felt so vulnerable. I felt like a little girl who needed comforting and luckily, as always Ad was there to swoop in and look after me like he always does. Of course, if I was to have another boy I would have been happy, I mean a brother for Joseph would be amazing but for my own selfish reasons, and to help me on my journey I think I needed to have a girl.
It’s so much more than having a little girl to dress up, match with, and all the other fun and exciting stuff we as Mum’s look forward to – it runs deeper, so much deeper. It’s really hard for me to put into words sometimes but it’s just that bond that I see everywhere around me that I have never had. I am a proper worrier, and seek reassurance from everyone, whereas I see other people being able to just call on their Mum for anything and everything. It’s having that person that forever has your back and your best interests at heart, who will always do their best to atleast guide you from making bad decisions etc. I think to a point, there is a lot in my head that may be a bit dreamy to reality but there has and is always that little part inside me that always feels a little alone and vulnerable. Anyway, with all that being said, emotionally I have come such a long way since having Joseph, and without him even knowing.. I owe so much to that little boy.
He has brought me such a sense of purpose and security in life.. he has healed me so much!
The thing that I am nervous about with having a little girl, is getting that balance.
Of course I want to be her best friend, I mean, there is very little choice she will have in that, just as Joseph doesn’t 😉 .. but I do think there is a balance between being a friend and a Mum and I don’t want to put all of that on her shoulders as she grows up. I also don’t want to treat her any differently to what I do Joseph, just because she is a girl and I don’t want to over spoil and indulge her on things, just because I didn’t have them.
I just feel really conscious of getting it all right. For some reason I just don’t feel confident enough, which is strange bearing in mind I already have Joseph. But it was different with Joseph. I just never had any doubts, whereas this time around having a girl I feel under so much pressure to get it right. I think however, the real answer is that I need to chill the f*ck out and let it all happen naturally and stop over thinking it all. What is that all about? I mean I know as a woman it’s our prerogative but mix that with pregnancy and you can find yourself at times losing your shit!
I am finding that I am pinching myself a little though at the fact that I am having a girl. My dream of having that bond is finally about to come true, and the fact I already have an amazing little boy who I am obsessed with, it all seems very surreal.. and I count my lucky stars to be in this position.
So this is where I am at right now. A crazy little pregnant lady with an anxious little mind going into overdrive but at the same time so excited for our new adventure as a family. Just 7 weeks to go 😊