I think that when looking for your own therapy for a problem, finding someone who can relate to you can be fundamental in that. I am yet to fully find that myself. Not for a minute do I doubt there are many people out there like myself and don’t get me wrong, I have known people who have suffered that loss however mostly due to passing not a chosen circumstance. My loss was a choice. Someone made ‘the choice’ for me to grow up without a mum since the age of 2 and a half. I have googled and have come across a handful of American blog posts but all to do with adoption. Without going into the nitty gritty, mine was based around the breaking down of a Marriage.
It feels so empowering to be able to do this because this is my blog, my voice and this is literally being written with shaky hands but it is something I want and need to do. If there is somebody out there that could relate to this, I could be that bit of therapy for them- & that would mean so much.
I have a wonderful family and have had a wonderful up bringing and I love them all to bits but a natural blooded mother-daughter relationship is something that I have never really had. Not properly – and I have made peace with that, ish! Before Joseph I really thought I had made peace with the situation. Growing up I had my friends for shopping, my Grandad was a great influence, I would go to the stables with my step mum. I was happy, I know I was but I also think that I was blocking out loss, hurt and anger. The only bit of pain I remember was when me and my friends were in the playground and they started singing Spice Girls ‘Mama’ or when it came to making cards on Mothers Day. I reckon that’s why I’m a dab hand at arts and crafts because I would always have to make two.. one for Dad and one for Nan 😉 I never knew what it was to have a mum plait and play with my hair and all these things alot of mums do. But I never knew any different.
I always knew that it was going to have some kind of effect when having my own baby. It’s funny because I am full with so much love but at the same time the pain can consume me a bit sometimes. The love I have for my son, god.. I feel like I could explode and I could NEVER comprehend being without him and that is what I struggle with. This is when I knew I had to make a change. I don’t want to be an over bearing mum that is that little bit too protective. In my own insecurities I get scared of being left on my own which can make me a bit needy and I dont want to bring Joseph up like that. I want him to be strong minded, sure of his decisions and opinions etc. I’m chilled by nature but a right little worrier and I dont want it all to rub off on Joseph so in my own ways Im focusing on making these changes.
I think with many problems you go through the self pity stage and I’ll be the first to admit I have done alot of that – ‘why me’ ‘it’s so unfair’ ‘i didn’t deserve this‘ but then you get to a point and you think ‘you know what, sod this’ ! You cant change anything that has happened but you can try and turn it into a positive and do something about it. & that is the joy that comes with having a child. You don’t want to be ‘that’ person, you want to be an example and make your life and attitude better and for that, I owe SO much to my darling boy and I can’t wait to tell him when he is older about how much he has changed me and changed my life.
I have been through so many different emotions surrounding this ‘loss’. Rejection, fear of rejection, anger, sadness, bitterness.. I can be a bit needy and need reasurring which drives me crazy but I think as soon as you recognise those traits and things you want to work on, you are able to make those changes. For anyone that has been in this situation, be it without a Mum or without a Dad the most important bit of advice I could give is ‘Don’t blame yourself’
We all have our coping mechanisms and the only way I know how to cope with this is by being positive because I will only be consumed by anger, and self pity. I know there is a great chance I wouldn’t have been brought up in my area, have the friends I have, the bf I have, all of these little things and I tell you another thing, I’m bloody proud of myself just like anyone and everyone should be. We all have our shit, we all have a story to tell but then you have to get in touch with that inner strength because we all have it. I know many people that have been brought up without a Dad for example, & they have the most amazing and tight relationship with their Mum so for every crap situation there is such a positive. I am very close to my Dad. We drive eachother mental but he is my go to guy and I would be so lost without him! Not to mention my brother – my first babyyyyyy – I love that boy more than anything in the world !
If your feeling crappy about a situation or something that has happened in your life, try to make that change for yourself. You deserve it because none of this has been your fault.I know it is so much easier said than done, it took me long enough but don’t let the next however many years be effected for all the years that have so far! Honestly, everyone deserves to be happy. I said to someone not so long ago ‘ Am I fixable ‘ & they literally laughed in my face. We are all a little messed up in our own little way and that’s what makes us weird and wonderful. It is is so natural to feel like the only person that is experiencing a certain problem but it’s so important to know that your not. Life is a weird old thing isn’t it!? So up and down but I think it is important to try and remain positive. For every point in your life that may be a bit down; breakup, job, finances.. it is only a matter of time until things are back on your side.
For anyone that is yet to face Motherhood without a Mum around, yes it has it’s moments but I can honestly say from my experience that your ‘instinct’ kicks in! I say to my friends all the time, if I can do it..anyone can do it..and I don’t think Im doing too bad a job.. sanity is hanging on by the thread but all good..just kidding 😉 Can we just take a moment to thank Google btw please people! Thank god for Google!
I hope you have enjoyed reading my little story. Those were the cards I was dealt with and since I acted upon any worries or insecurities I now know who I am and what true happiness is. You can only bury your head in the sand and run away from issues for so long. My only regret is not tackling it all before. You don’t need a child to be worthy! Do it for yourself
– You matter too
If this is a situation you have found yourself in I would love to hear from you – deets in the contact page x
PS This is just my account of growing up without a Mum on the scene. Sorry for anyone that has lost their Mum through passing, I cant begin to imagine but hang on in there. I cant relate but always on the other end of an email xxx