I tell ya what, these past couple of days I have had a fast track ticket to ‘Joseph The Emotional Rollercoaster’. I’ve cried, I’ve lost my breath, I’ve smiled, I’ve screamed (to myself) & as always I come out laughing & smiling – however it’s been pretttttttttttty intense. It’s tough sometimes because you always think you are doing what is best for your family, but you can’t help but stress or feel guilty. So, I work part-time – 3 days a week. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am lucky in the sense that I get a 3 day ‘break’ but it doesn’t mean I can’t have tough day’s and lose my patience too because I do – I’m human – I’m still a Mum.
Sometimes it’s hard because I just look forward to our day’s so much that when they don’t go the way I planned for them to go it makes me sad. I’m finding it frustrating at the moment because every other, if not every week, Joseph has a cold. Yes, it may ‘toughen up his immune system’ but it’s still hard. I find it hard enough having a cold myself so I dread to think how tough it is for my little man to constantly have one. I know I can’t blame the Nursery, and I don’t but it is still a bit frustrating. Anyway so as you can imagine, a baby with a cold isn’t going to be the happiest of babies! I tried my best to make it fun for us but finding stuff to do is limited as it is & I decided to cancel our swimming plans due to his cold, and the cold weather. We had some laughter and nice moments of course but there were a few moment’s when I simply didn’t know what to do. I was pulling everything out the bag, doing voices and noises I didn’t even know I had but nothing felt good enough. Of course he doesn’t know any different but it can feel soul destroying when you go to so much effort and you feel as though it hasn’t made a blind bit of difference – you can feel like your failing.
Naturally he was whiney and clingy but to the point he would full blown cry whenever I; put him down for a nap, put him in the bath, took something off of him, tried to feed him, tried to wipe his face and heaven forbid try to wipe his nose. He was just very cry’ey which is fine, he is a child.. I get it but some days you don’t feel as ‘super mum’ to deal with them and can take it quite personally. Other days I wouldn’t even flutter an eyelid and just deal with it but there are days when you don’t feel in the best of spirit’s yourself & it makes it that little bit more difficult. It doesn’t matter what position you are in and how fortunate you are, you are entitled to have those ‘Mum moments’ So I cried, and cried, and cried a little bit more – and then I felt guilty. At one point, I just felt a bit defeated – and then he slept, he woke up, he smiled, we laughed, we cuddled and just like that it was like nothing had happened and we were back to being the best of friends. I guess you’re not best friends unless you have a few ups and downs 😉
& now I am here, on the train on my way to work and I’m missing my baby like crazy.
& this is the life of a Mum, and throughout it all, the bad moments, the good moments, the ‘lose your shit’ moments, you just wouldn’t have it any other way.