I sometimes think, if we all sat down and thought long and hard, are we really the person we perceive to everyone else? I was thinking of this on my way to work. There are times in life when people may think you have changed. You haven’t. You are still you however certain stresses and situations in life can bring out all different traits in you, but that doesn’t mean that is really who you are as a person. We are all entitled to our outbursts. Life does that to you. For example you may act in a spiteful way in certain situations, however that doesn’t define you as a person and mean that you are nasty. It is just the way we react when facing certain problems or predicaments.
As mentioned in previous posts, this year I’ve been a bit of a chameleon personality wise. That’s what kids do to you, they chuck you in all of these different situations that you haven’t been in before and they bring out part’s of your personality you haven’t really seen for yourself, let alone shown to other people (and this changes daily) One day I can have very little patience (I always thought I was quite patient) and then the next day I will have the patience of a Saint – bit confusing on yourself, let alone other people. Children can send you so up and down, other people may not know what they are going to get with you. Tired, stressed, happy, emotional, sad – it’s a bit of a whirlwind.
That said, this isn’t just something I can pin on having a child. When I started to think of it this morning, this happened a few years ago. I have always had a bit of an ‘actress’ side to me. I was the lead in the school plays and I love a bit of karaoke. What I have come to learn is that there is a fine line between Attention and Approval. To the eye certain actions may look like attention but really when you look deeper, it is for some kind of approval, almost to make you feel worthy. I mean look at me on that TV show… one of the closest people to me even questioned why I was on there because he knows it isn’t really me. When I filmed it, I was there for 2/3 days prior to that and I didn’t really speak to anyone. I kept myself to myself, laughed and spoke if spoken to but I just kept my head down really.. even up until that moment when I was on camera I was very shy.. and then as soon as the camera was on me I switched the other side of me on. On the outside, if you watch it, I look happy. I am laughing, acting silly without a care in the world. – in actual fact, I was going through a really shit time. I had just come of out a long term relationship, I was in debt, just moved into a house share, binge eating and drinking and one of my closest loved ones was nearing the end of his life. Like most, when I go through a bad time, I rebel. I guess we do this as a cry for help. I was at such a loose end, my confidence had taken a battering and I had just had another blow of rejection so I seeked out for some kind of approval – going on TV is one way to do it I suppose haha. What struck a cord to me from that experience is that as soon as we finished filming, people had time for me. The other girls made an effort and I felt really included. From then on, in a way it made me feel like I would be more desired as a person if I was more confident and bubbly and in a way it did, but it also leads you to be a bit misunderstood. Of course there is an element to me that is like that, but you become so consumed in being this ‘new you’ your true qualities can become sidelined.
I think that we all have that alter ego to us and when the going get’s tough we bring them out to protect ourselves. What we see when we look at alot of people, is more often than not a facade. Some of the most glamorous of girls tend to be the most insecure, but we don’t always see that. We assume. We judge.
A handful of people have managed to crack me and those are the people I trust enough to see my vulnerability & shyness. I think that is why I get the horrors after a night of drinking, because I let that guard down and let people see behind my front and sarcasm and I cringe to hell the next morning. I think we all do? We are all so guarded and want to protect ourselves, and in a world that can be so cruel, it is our coping mechanisms. For every bad thing that life can throw at us, we build up that protective bubble around us because it’s our comfort zone. I think if we dropped that guard a little and stepped out of the zone, we may be pleasantly surprised.
I like to write about this kind of stuff because I know other people can relate and may not feel as bad for it.
I think alcohol plays a huge part in this. At my current job, I have been here 5 months and rarely leave Reception, however give me a social event where I can drink and I will talk the arse off of a donkey. Strange how our personalities can be the opposite end of the spectrum depending on what situation we are put in.
So, summing this up with the reason why I started going into this tangent – New Years Resolutions.
This was my aim for this post, but as always I start going onnnn and onnnnnnnnnn.
My New Years Resolution this year is; less is sometimes more, leave all that front to Brighton
You haven’t got to try and be the life of the soul of the party for people to like you, or cracking jokes to make people laugh. Sitting in the corner being quiet and sitting on the outside doesn’t make you boring, if anything I find people like that endearing. All of these situations in life can take you away from who you really are, but it’s important for you to keep it and not let the hard times in life take that away from you.
Happy New Year x