A n x i e t y
Whichever way I type it, I still take a gasp for air as the word resonates in my head.
I was an outsider looking in once upon a time, and I simply thought that ‘Anxiety’ was just another word for ‘Nervousness’ – which to a point it is, but it goes so much deeper than that and I have unfortunately had to learn the hard way. I’ll never forget the first time that I had a panic attack. It was about 9years ago – when I had completely lost my way and lost control of a situation that I had in actual fact, I never had control of in the first place – I was being controlled and the sudden realisation sent me sideways.
I’ve touched upon my experiences with Anxiety before and I don’t wish to delve into it because I don’t want to necessarily make this about me – I hope that some people may be able to relate and feel like they are not alone, or for people to have more of an understanding if they have loved ones with ‘Anxiety’ – the truth is, we all have Anxiety. It is a natural emotion that many of us keep at bay without realising, but it can take only one experience to set that off and it can take control of you and turn you upside down. For me personally, it is about not having control of situations, that’s when I tend to lose it – if I am out of my comfort zone without any warning I really panic and think the worst. Anxiety can take effect in many ways, you may be able to relate to a few of these;
- Being faced with any situation where you don’t have full control so you therefore panic; chest becomes tight, pins and needles in your hands, head starts to spin, can’t seem to catch your breath – this is such a common thing for me & I have to yawn more often just so I can get a deep breath
- Pushing people away because in your head only want to leave anyway, and it will save the awkwardness and upset when they inevitably do.
- Feeling like a burden on people & second best
- Insisting that people ‘don’t have to commit to plans with you’ because they will only want to cancel last minute and again it will save the upset if you just get there first
- Getting drunk at any social events just to dispel your nerves and anxiety
- Being mentally drained yet running around a million miles an hour
- Pre -empting every situation
- Being the one to not text back – because of the fear of taking it personally if they don’t
- Thinking too much and caring too much
- Over analysing every word in a message
- Replaying every situation in your head
- Not having some form of life plan
- Not having something to plan/organise ( something to put all your nervous energy into )
- Wanting to isolate yourself from time to time and just simply be alone to get your overwhelming thoughts and voices in order
- Worrying – worrying about every bloooooody thing.
- Needing and seeking reassurance from people
- Being vocal about your insecurities because you know that whilst they are looking at you in the eye when they are talking ‘they definatley have acknowledged the size of your nose’
- Feeling like wherever you go ‘everyone is staring at you’ (and the size of your nose 😉 )
- Knowing where a toilet is somewhere but still getting flustered at the thought of it because you know that you will ‘definatley get lost’
- The fear of commiting to anything that is too far in advance – because you’re fish may die on that day or something RIDICULOUS
- Coming off ditzy because you feel like your abilities are being judged so you therefore panic – interviews/exams
- Taking pictures of the oven/switch because you know as soon asyou get to work, you will randomly wonder if you turned the oven off.. when you cooked that roast dinner 3 days ago haha
- Doubt – self bloody doubt !
- When you thought the battle between your head and heart was bad enough, you then have anxiety going against the two
&I finally – Feeling everything in our heart so greatly. With every con that may come with someone with Anxiety, there is also a great reassurance that they care, an awful lot. So if they are showing any of these signs to you, that means that they basically give a shit about you and what you think 😉 . Be patient with us. We may doubt ourselves, question ourselves and need reassurance and compliments but believe me, we are trying our best and the way you act and treat us can make more of a difference than you think. & for the sufferers, what seems to be helping me a great deal at the moment is thinking of other people. How does that person feel that you haven’t text them back or how does that person feel that you wont commit to any plans with them – the chances are, they may just be a sufferer themselves.
The thing that I find the most hardest to accept from it all is that I am actually really happy. I am not depressed, and that is where people can get the two confused. I’m definatley a glass half full kinda girl and I have as much passion and ambition as the next person apart from the fact that I then have the devil that is Anxiety bringing me down 🖕
It isn’t a be all or an end all having anxiety. I go to great lengths to ensure that it doesn’t get the better of me in my day to day life, but unfortunately life can sometimes throw things that are out of your control and you might need to take a breather every so often. If we need to ever take some time out, don’t take it personally, we’re just getting our shit together. Don’t let anxiety define you as a person, open up and speak to people about it. You’ll be surprised how many of your closed ones experience it too 😘
There is no ‘cure’ for it, but with the right help and understanding you can definatley keep it at bay. One thing that I have always been obsessed with anyway, but helps me when I am having an episode is Music. I can’t tell you how much it is my therapy. Despite my off days, I am a million times better than I have been before. I still get the difficult days every so often but they are minor compared to the amount of good days. If you want to know more or how I manage mine, pop me an email – you’re not alone, I promise you that x