I’ve always been quite the open type and not afraid to put myself out there. An element of attention? Could be, but more because I am not scared or bothered what people think of me (friends and family aside) I try not to take life too seriously and I will always be the first to laugh at myself. (hence THAT programme) With all that said, opening up about this is actually quite a big thing for me because there is such a stigma attached to it. I have nothing to benefit from writing this post but I
think/hope know that some of you will be able to gain from it! That is one of the beautiful things about blogging. You are kind of given a platform to be able to reach out to people, and try to help people. Since opening up about Anxiety, I have had SO many people reach out to me, and people thanking me for making them feel comfortable and brave enough to seek help. Do you know how amazing that feels?!
So, today marks the day for me that I am free. Free from what you may be thinking? I have a beautiful son, loving boyfriend and amazing friends and family – what is it that has had such a control over me that I finally feel free? Well, for almost a year now I have been on anti-depressants and after spending a couple of months weaning myself off of them and dealing with a few side effects I feel so happy & myself again. Even as I typed the word ‘anti depressants’ t felt like such a strong and scary thing to type – and almost misleading. You see, I’m not depressed. I have had my down days like everyone does BUT depression isn’t something that I have ever struggled with. As I have documented before, anxiety
is was my nemesis. Last year it kind of got on top of me, and bigger than I knew how to deal with. Everything felt out of my control and that alone made me feel like I was going a bit crazy. My mind just wouldn’t stop. The only thing that would help keep my anxiety at bay was when Joseph was around. Its funny how there are some things you can just control as far as your children are concerned. You put on your cheery face and stick on your happy hat and just get on with things. When Joseph was asleep one night though I just laid on my bed crying my eyes out because of these intrusive thoughts that were whizzing through at a million miles an hour and I didn’t know what to do anymore. . I had tried so many natural remedies that nothing seemed to be helping me. Before Joseph, if the going ever got tough I would call on my friends for a good night out, but now being a Mum I didn’t want a quick fix – I wanted/needed some kind of long term help. So I spoke to my DR about it and she told me about an ‘anti depressant’ called ‘Citalopram’
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t reluctant. Firstly because I don’t suffer from Depression.. so why on earth would I go on ‘anti depressants’ but that is where Citalopram are different. Citalopram is used to treat OCD, anxiety disorders, PTSD, and panic disorders. I don’t want to go through the ins and outs of the drug itself because I am not medically trained to do so but I can honestly say that it has helped me beyond belief. Sure, I still have my little moments of anxiety, but it is over the normal stuff. You know, ‘shit I’ve had to blow out on a friend and its been 1minute 13 seconds and they haven’t text back’ 😉 youuuu know, the normal kind of stuff.
I just wanted to share this information with you guys, because I have no shame. I really don’t. I am a happy go lucky, kind of girl. Anyone that knows me, infact will be shocked to put my name in the same sentence as ‘anti depressants’ but that is where the stigma needs to be broken. When I first spoke to my DR I cried and said ‘please tell me I’m fixable’ and she gave me a kind and caring laugh. Listen, if you suffer from anxiety I am not telling you that you need to frog march yourself to the Doctors and demand ‘Citalopram’ trust me it was a very last option, and I am not gonna lie.. the side effects when you start them and have to wean yourself off them aren’t nice at all but for me they really have sorted me out – to the point that I felt ready to come off of them. This weekend has been pretty shit in terms of my emotions because when you stop everything has to balance itself back out again BUT I feel goooooood. Really good 🙂 Most of my close loved ones will be very shocked to read this because they have been none the wiser – I just didn’t want the medication to define me or to worry anyone because it sounds so much more scarier than what it is, when it really isn’t. I get suffocated easilly and I knew that the more people that knew, the more people that would naturally worry and then I would freak out. They will have never guessed either because on the surface I am fine and I am happy, I just needed to gain back control over my thoughts and my life.
If this post strikes a chord with you I want to ask you a few things. Do you think I am crazy? Do you think I am unstable? Do you think I am nuts? Does it make me a bad parent/friend etc? NO so that makes you no bloody different! Just because you may not be feeling a hundred percent up there, it doesn’t mean that you are losing your marbles. You may feel like you are, but the fact that you notice that something isn’t right and want to do something about it is amazing and incredibly brave. I feel better than I have in a very long time. Infact, I have felt amazing long before now but I just wanted to stay on them a little longer to ensure that I don’t have to be back on them again,. Actually, you know what, if I do.. that’s ok? You know why? Because there is no shame in suffering from a Mental Illness and I know a huge percentage reading this have either suffered/is suffering from one themselves and that is OK!
If you aren’t feeling yourself, PLEASE do something about it. Know one knows themselves like you do. You are not alone. Seek medical advice but also, please try other avenues first before opting for medication 🙂 Most importantly of all though, speak to loved ones – you will be pleasantly surprised that they may be going through the same thing.
Lastly, if you have any questions and want to confide in me then please do. I really pride myself on being peoples confidante so you never have to feel alone. x