Thursday 7th September 2017
It’s been a while, so today I thought I would try something different. I haven’t planned or set out a topic to write about for this blog post I’m just going to go with it. Ill see what I end up ranting about because we all know I love a rant.
Usually I am pretty structured with my posts, writing and posting atleast 2 a week, however lately I have let the team dooooown. In all honestly, the past 2-3 months my mind has been like mush. I’ve pretty much been in limbo my mind has been completely elsewhere. Life of a Mum you see. I underestimated how hectic it could be. It isn’t even life of a Mum, but when you have that in the mix with work etc, it can be a bit up in the air.
So as I write this, I am in a coffee shop, where I have been for atleast 3 hours, for the third time this week.
Usually today I would be at work, however as of last week I am currently unemployed and job seeking and its sent me sideways. In all honesty, it’s actually affected me more than I thought it would. You never realise how much you do rely on routine until you’re knocked out of it. I never used to be like this. I used to definitely roll with the punches a bit more, however when you become a Parent you rely on it. For the past couple of months, I have felt so unsettled and out or routine, its knocked me for six really, and I am mentally drained. Being settled in life is so important for me. For the first 6 months of this year I was the most settled I had ever been and loved it but then work went a bit weird which led me to feel unsettled and on eggshells and from there I started to feel a bit off.
Whilst I always try to be optimistic, there is something about job hunting this time, now that I am a Mum, that is all the more stressful. Whilst I know my capabilities and know that I have a lot to offer whatever job I may be in, you cant help but feel under even moreee pressure, simply because you’re a Mum. Yes, there is all that Equal Opportunities crap but to be honest, unless I plan on signing up to the Police or something like that, I cant imagine it will make a difference. Girl in her 20’s with no commitments, or someone in their late 20’s with a child -hmmm let me think?! From an employer side, surely it’s a no brainer.
& that was almost the problem for me in the job that I have just finished. I put even more pressure on myself because I felt like I had even MORE to prove. I felt constantly guilty for having to take the time off when Joseph was sick, and all those situations you have to deal with when you’re a ‘Working Mum’
So whilst I am settled in a lot of ways since having Joseph â€“ I find myself increasingly overwhelmed and struggling to balance things out. My first priority is Joseph and being a Mum, make no mistake about that HOWEVER it is equally important for me to be a good employee, friend, sister etc but I’m not gonna lie, at times I find it so difficult and am learning to live with the fact that someone will always be pissed off with me because I am not making them a priority. Is it possible to have it all and balance everything out? Is it possible to run a house, be a good Mum, Partner, Daughter, Sister, Friend all at the same? AND try to keep up my hobby that is writing? If someone has the answer, help a sisterrrrr out because Mama is tiiiiiiired. Tired of apologising, tired of feeling guilty and tired of being tired! I guess guilt just goes hand in hand with being a Mum though? Whilst I am a bit up in the air with my work life at the moment, that is one job I am most settled in and wouldn’t change for the world 🙂