Yesterday I cried. I woke up in good spirits as I do most mornings and I had such good intentions for the day, but you know when it just doesn’t go as you had planned for it to go. The 6am riser that is Joseph actually slept until 8.30 am, we couldn’t believe it. Whilst it was amazing to have a ‘lay in’ I still felt so worn out and tired. I wasn’t however going to let this get the better of me so I made some solid plans for the day. Our day would be as follows;
Get ready us all ready, pop to the Supermarket followed by a coffee at one of our favourite little coffee shops. We would then nip to the dump, drop Joseph & Ad home, get my nails done, come home.. make a home made pie, chill and then go to Yoga.
Obviously things are never as straight forward as that are they, and I probably would have had more tolerance for the obstacles that would get in my way, had I have not been so exhausted. So what should have been a nice, chilled out day turned to this;
Got ready, popped to the Supermarket where it was clearly dickhead day out in the car park and we lost our cool and left, coffee shop was closed so we went to the dump which was a good 40 minute que with a crying Joseph in the back who was trying to stick raisins up his nose rather than actually eating them. I then dropped them both home, went to get my nails done.. got there and it was closed for refurbishment, went to another nail shop but was unable to park for a good 20 minutes, finally got them done.. got home ready to make my pie..had accidentally bought frozen pastry rather than refrigerated so had to mess around defrosting it…
So what did I do? I lost my shit and I cried and once I had started I couldn’t stop. I knew I was being silly but I felt so overwhelmed. I had worked a full week at work this week (big up the full time working Mums) everything was just getting on top of me and it all just got too much for me. Joseph had been on one all day, nothing was going to plan and I just felt so disheartened. I love Sundays, they’re always so happy and relaxed but it was all just going to shit. The thing is with me, if my house isn’t in order, I can’t fully relax. It wasn’t even that bad, but it just wasn’t up to my standards so it kind of puts you in a mood before the day even properly starts. On the plus side of it all I have pretty nails and Yoga chilled me out so I am back to my normal self today albeit still shattered. Tiredness is a funny thing isn’t it. You can be the happiest ever yet tiredness will make you that little bit more on the sensitive side and make you take everything to heart. Usually I would just let all of that breeze past me and try to make up for it in other ways but I just felt like I had such low tolerance. That hasn’t happened for ages. I used to get quite a few of those moments in the first year when Joseph wouldn’t stop crying or when he would chuck his food all on the floor but that has all subsided the past few months. The thing is, when your a Mum it is a job that never stops, so it does slowly burn you out and hit you at once. It is so important to give yourself that TLC from time to time and make your needs a priority too. This week will consist of good foods, early nights and lots of quality time with my little man.
Yesterday took me back to the first few months after I gave birth to Joseph. You know when your emotions and hormones are all over the place, your so bloody tired and you feel teary. & in the grand scheme of things, what you are crying about really isn’t a big deal but at that moment in time it is to you and the emotion just gets too much! The saying ‘don’t cry over spilt milk’ comes to mind! Whoever thought of that clearly wasn’t a Mum! The amount of times I would spill Josephs bottle whilst making it and have the biggest monumental breakdown and cry – or when your scoops of formula would end up on the work surface rather than the bottle itself. Well in those moments ladies – cry. Honestly, let it all out and you’ll feel so much better. Cry, make yourself a tea, take yourself in another room and cry! Mostly of all, MILK IT ! I over killed the tears in the first year and have squeezed my last bit of sympathy out of the BF. Now, I am more likely to be welcomed with a laugh than a cuddle!
U P D A T E
You couldn’t even make this up. Since writing my post earlier, as the day went on I got back to my usual spirits and had a spring in my step. I never get the Monday blue’s knowing that once 4pm strikes, I am out of the office for the next two days with Joseph. I was so excited to collect him from nursery and see his little face. Those moments are the best when he runs up to me with his big smile and gives me a sloppy kiss. Once we left nursery I had some time to kill between then and collecting the BF from the station so we went to Morrisons to grab some flowers for the house and fruit for Joseph for the next two days – such a bad Mum I know… it was all fun and laughter until we got to the tills where Joseph spotted the kiddy ride. To say he had a monumental break down would be putting it lightly. I didn’t have my purse with me, only my card but even if I did have cash I don’t let him go on it every time as he then expects it – I try to do it as more of treat. To date this was the worst tantrum Joseph has had. What followed would be the longest 5/10 minutes of my life..
It doesn’t matter how ‘normal’ it is and how it is ‘part of their development’ you still feel as though the world and their wife are judging you and the silence of everyone else makes you feel like your actually in a Church that has been gate crashed by the Devil! When we finally got out of the shop, me literally hanging Joseph under my arm like I was wrestlng a crocodile, I sat in the car and cried. Joseph was crying, I was sobbing. You just take it personally don’t you. I only went in there to get him some nice bloody watermelon!!! You may wonder why in that moment of sadness and despair I took a photo? I made a point of taking it. So frequently I post about how appreciative I am, how much of a good boy Joseph is and how ‘we had the best day’ but this is the flip side to it – the side that no one see’s just the BF. The part where I feel so helpless, hurt and frustrated. This is real life – this is Motherhood. I am not scared of being honest and opening myself up to people – it may stop another Mum feeling a little shit and helpless because she can relate to me and not feel alone.
Tomorrow is a new day and I could never be mad at my monkey for too long but until then I will spend the rest of the evening drinking tea, eating biscuits and milking the sympathy from my ever so supportive babe of a BF. It’s ok to cry girls, we do the best we can but sometimes these small but mighty munchkins do get the better of us from time to time.