I didn’t actually realise that I have an element of ‘control freak-ness’ in me until I found out I was pregnant. As mentioned before I wanted everything perfect to the point that not one purchase hadn’t been reviewed beforehand – even down to my muslin cloths!! Although maybe this was just down to me being over excited. Anyone who knows me could tell you that when I get excited over something.. I don’t stop banging on about it..so you can imagine what I was like for 9 plus months!
Everything was going to be perfect, and my birth was going to be no exception – LOL
As far as I was concerned my birth was going to go something like this;
Firstly, I was going to have a water birth, I was going to have one of the nice pretty bikinis I had already found on the internet, I was going to have my ‘Hypno Birth’ music playing in the background, the lights dimmed, with the bf giving me a massage – it was going to be a truly peaceful experience and then once I had given birth, Joseph would be handed to me and I was going to cry and it was going to be the most magical moment of my life.
Now the reality;
I was two weeks late therefore induced, I wasn’t allowed a water birth, the ‘Hypno Birthing’ I had been practicing for months I apparently wouldn’t be able to use to its full advantage as labour wasn’t being naturally brought on, it was peaceful at times but definatley not for the majority of it, and for me, the most poignant thing of it all and the reason behind this post was that I did not cry…
For some reason, even writing that has got me really choked. I doubted myself and I doubted our bond – was there a bond straight away because I didn’t cry?! The truth is, I was just so tired and if there were any tears shed it was relief that it was all over. I had been waiting for that moment for all of those months but you kind of just get so used to being pregnant you almost think that is what you’re destined to stay like. It’s almost like when you are in a room and someone walks in who you are expecting, yet it makes you jump. It’s a bit like that. You know you are pregnant.. you have seen the scans, felt the kicks, heard the heartbeat.. yet when they finally arrive you think ‘shit’ what do we do now then!
I just want to tell the baby mamas that if your moment isn’t like you expected it to be, it doesn’t mean that it is any less special. It is because it is your special moment and no one elses.
Just because your labour may not go how you want or expect it to go, and if you don’t have a ‘One Born Every Minute’ moment and cry through emotion – it’s ok. Looking back now I can safely say that I had that special bond from the get go, but I had put too much pressure on myself and watched too many films I thought that me not crying ‘wasn’t normal’. How ridiculous is that. I am your typical fairytale girl. I want everything to be perfect and want to live happily everafter. Well what I have come to learn the past couple of years is that not everything is always perfect but that doesn’t mean it wont be a ‘happily ever after’ Your birth story is your story and it will be the most amazing story you have and ever will tell. Even now I love talking about my birth experience because to me it was truly special even though it didn’t go the way I had planned it to go. These babies rock up when they like, and in whatever fashion they like, aslong as they are healthy in the long term, try not to let your expectation of it taint the reality. It will be the most unique (and painful) experience of your life. I always wondered how women could go through that sheer amount of pain and want to do it again. I now understand. The love you feel for your child overides anything and is worth every second of pain that you would do it time and time again.. although I’m not going to lie.. its taken me a while to be able to say that, I was a bit traumatised for a few days but that soon subsides. Congrats and good luck <3