I’m not the Mum I imagined I would be. I’m not the Mum that hasn’t cried infront of their child. I am not the Mum that hasn’t had an argument infront of their child – & now I am not the Mum that hasn’t swore
infront of at their child.
Whilst Joseph grows older and get’s more personality, as amazing as that is, an attitude seem’s to be going hand in hand with that. I myself, hate saying ‘no‘ to people. Joseph on the other hand has no problem in that department. Every other fricking word is ‘no’ ! Whilst it was cute at first, it wears a bit thin when I am trying to get Joseph ready and he is pretty much going against everything I say/ask with the word ‘NO’. As most Mum’s know, someday’s we have our shit together – others, not so much. This day in particular was an ‘other’ day. Lack of sleep does crazy things to you, and that alone can make your patience run thin. The thing is, first and foremost I am a Mum but I am also a 28year old girl, still trying to find my way sometimes, and I get day’s where my head is just not where it should fully be. Since the second little man had woken up he seemed to be defying everything I was asking from him – non Parent’s may be reading this and thinking ‘he is only two’ – let me tell you, these little humans may be small but they are mighty – they are fully aware of what they’re doing. All you have to do is make the one mistake of giving them a reaction and they will always try to provoke you with it. In a messed up way, it is quite sweet that they go to such lengths to get a reaction/attention out of you but it only takes one day when you’re just not mentally up to scratch to make you over-react.
Anyone watching this situation unfold would probably say that I am over reacting, for the fact that I think I was over reacting – but for us Parent’s we are our own worst, judgemental enemy.
So yeah, there I am, running around the house, chasing Joseph just so that I can get his trainers on to which he then throws himself on the floor and starts screaming ‘NO‘ – now I don’t know whether this is normal melodramatics from a toddler, or just the fact that he is my child.. but I just, for that second felt so defeated and said ‘for fuck sake Joseph’…
Joseph didn’t even flutter an eyelid, nor would he have understood the word because I hardly raised my voice but I instantly felt awful. That was ONE thing that I said I would never do! I would never swear infront of my child, let alone AT my child. I am not going to sit here and say that I have the mouth of a Nun when in actual fact I have the mouth of a fish wife BUT as Joseph get’s older I definatley am trying to make a conscious effort not to swear infront of him – so the fact that I swore at him made me feel awful. Ok, if I’m honest.. I soon got over it BUT stilllll. I felt like the worst.mum.ever
I think, what I am trying to say is that sometimes, to quote Amber from Love Island, ‘on paper‘ we may not be the ‘perfect Mum’ but to our little people we really are. We have to learn to stop beating ourselves up about the most trivial of things. I can’t imagine Joseph is going to pick up his toy phone and try to ring ‘Samaritans’ because I swore. I cant shield him from everything in life, and with a Mum like me, it’s quite hard not to say ‘shit’ infront of him because my feet are so big I constantly kick things or trip up!
All we can do in this crazy world of ‘Motherhood’ is be the best kind of Mum we can be and try to remove the image that we have of what a ‘Perfect Mum’ should be – because the truth is, you are already your own kind of perfect.
As long as I continue to get these smiles, I’ll be forever happy x