Oh god. It has already begun. I am merely only a few words in to this and already I feel as though my heart is tightening up – no exaggeration. Whenever I let myself slip into a daydream when I am at work I miss Joseph beyond belief. I hate not being with him. Of course the break is appreciated now and again but I don’t feel ‘the need’ for it as much as I used to. Take Saturday night for example. We was out celebrating a friends Birthday.. and celebrate we did. Joseph was at his Grandparents overnight and it’s safe to say that I got a bit overexcited and had a very sore head yesterday. Joseph is very rarely overnight so it did feel like a bit of a treat. We had such a fun time but I don’t feel the need as much to have a break now. It was the best feeling having Joseph back at home with us.
When Joseph was younger, Motherhood felt a little more intense. I craved that little bit of time to myself. Sometimes I just needed that break. Now though, I don’t feel the need for it as much. Joseph and I are best friends and I love his company so much. He makes me laugh and we just know each other so well. He is hands down my most favourite person to be around. Plus the fact that he is alot more self sufficient so I do get a bit more time to myself.
I’ll admit though, the past few weeks I have been finding it quite difficult watching him get older. It goes without saying that he will always be my little baby, but he is definatley merging more into a little boy and losing his baby features. Joseph has always been an independent little soul who loves his own company and the older he gets the less he ‘needs me’ as much. He is so strong willed and determined that he always tries to do everything himself. We recently went through the transition of the buggy – stroller and I was so upset by it. As bored as I was getting with my buggy (when you use it day in day out for well over a year you do get bored with it) yet I didn’t realise how attached I had become to it. It holds so many memories and the fact that Joseph had grown out of it made me so sad!
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE this stage. Joseph is such a character and we have so much fun together – I just miss him being teeny and squidgy and needing me as much. I guess he does still need me as much though but in different ways . It’s all part of Motherhood isn’t it I guess – we are always missing the previous stages of development.
As with anything though, of course this present stage does have big advantages. Not requiring constant bottle feeds and nappy changes when we are out, feeding himself, walking around – it’s so much easier on that front and I have a bit more freedom but I miss it terribly. I understand why people can have so many children now. The feeling of being a Parent is so amazing it’s no secret that I can’t wait to extend our family in the future. This is the life I was meant to have. I have always wanted to settle down and start a family & create so many happy memories. The first year of Parenting was pretty hectic and life changing but now were all settled and I have a feeling it’s going to be a very special year for us all so I am determined to embrace the changes in Josephs development and be excited for the year ahead and watching him grow – even though it will still tug at my heartstrings. No matter how old my little man gets, he will always be my baby x